Understanding A Man’s Language.

By now you probably already know about the Life of the party (what can you do for her?), the Heart of the party (what can she do for you?) and the Brain of the party (what can she do with you?). These three lenses helps you determine the better way to address and relate with the women in your life. It’s finally time for us to go to the other side of the field. Let’s discuss the men.

At any point in time, the life of a man can be categorized into one of three tendencies. Keeping in mind, most men are not monotonous, in the sense that they do not go about life with only one particular tendency. However, a man is most likely to have one superior tendency that best relates to him and sub tendencies he’d periodically engage.

I’m finding there are three reasoning boxes from which a man interacts with the world. Though he’d consult each of the three to a varying degree, there will be a dominant box that colors most of the man’s reasonings.

The Peace Maker. The Law Maker. The Challenger.

Imagine you’ve asked three friends for advice.
The PeaceMaker would reply: What do you want (from life)?
The LawMaker would tell you: This is what you should want (from life).
The Challenger would ask you: Why do you want?

To best describe what each of these mean, I will use myself an example.

This is my Behavioral number:
I am 60% Peace Maker. About 30% Law Maker and 10% Challenger.

This is my Tolerance number:
98.4% Peace, 99.8% Law, 100% Challenger.
To find your tolerance number, think how much can you not stand your behavior being tested?. The higher the number, the less you can tolerate being bothered. Very patient people would have low tolerance numbers while very impatient people would have very high tolerance numbers.

What the numbers mean:

Behavior: 60% Peace Maker.
Should you and I interact, chances are I would not disturb the peace. This is because my dominant reasoning box is that of a Peace Maker. I value peace above all else. Internal peace (being one with myself), environmental peace (quiet, clean, comfortable), intellectual peace (no bad news).
This also means should I find myself in a new environment or around new people, I would adjust myself to match the tempo of the place. Probably would not rock the boat — better still, I would do my best not to rock the boat. This reasoning box inspires the “Middle Ground” reasoning, where you find a way to make yourself happy while keeping the other person happy too, that way there could be less resistance and sustained peace — everybody happy. You find yourself sacrificing for the sake of peace. Peace Maker is the mediator role. Think Diplomats.

Tolerance: 98.4% Peace.
Because I value peace so much, I can tolerate my peace being disturbed 0.016% of the time. I came about this number by asking myself “How long can a person interrupt my peace and I still remain friends with them?” and the answer is one day out of two months.

Behavior: 20% Law Maker.
In other to maintain the type of life I find worth living, I have to create the environment to live that life, unless of course I happen to find an already existing environment that’s conducive for me. But that’s rarely been the case. In building this environment, I find myself tapping into my law maker tendencies — “if you’re around me, don’t show me disturbing pictures”, more so building up my if this, do that scenarios. There are only two situations where I would tap into this strength: When my peace might be at stake, and, before my peace is at stake. Tapping into this strength happens by letting people know I am in fact different from the other people they might have interacted with and sharing with them the elements of life that matters to me (Peace, Positivity, God’s word, Champion). Once, the stage is set, I put the law maker away and dwell in my dominant state of Peace Maker. Law Maker is the Father, Protector role. Think Judges.

Tolerance: 99.8% Law
Because of my high preference for peace and the likelihood that I would first attempt the other person’s way (so as to not rock the boat), if their way works, then great — I would not have to engage Law Maker. This tolerance number comes into play after I’ve tried the other person’s way and it does not work (for me). At which point I would let them know what works for me (which in almost every instance already includes what I can offer that would work for them — “this is a plan that takes into account what the both of us like” and they have a 0.02% chance to go against it. I have met a lot of people who only cared for themselves and cared nothing for you, while I’m in no position to judge others, I however do not become friends or spend much time around such people. I involve myself in interactions that do not go against my peace and also includes excitement for the other person. Because I rarely engage Law Maker tendencies, the possibility of others going against it and remaining in communication with me is very rare. I think of it as “We’ve tried your way it didn’t work, now we try mine. If you’re not interested in trying my way, after trying yours, then I do not want any further interaction.” Plain. Simple.

Behavior: 20% Challenger

While I might sound like a Reverend Father with all this talk about peace, my high value for peace is not the whole of me. I can cause some upheaval too — it just would not be my first or preferred choice. However, when I do go on the challenger box, it’s not as pretty. Actually, it’s not pretty at all. It’s a “give me change now or let the house burn” situation and I have surprised a lot of people in my past who at no point ever imagined I could take on certain scary actions. But that is the case for those who have such a low (behavior) number, they do not engage it enough and when they do, it’s a wildfire.

My challenger comes up when my amygdala (survival instinct) takes over. Should a person (or even myself) come up with a plan that exposes my wellbeing, chances are I would challenge the logic. This used to be my dominant state when I was younger, the “rebel” it’s called. Having added some years and some life experiences, I have come to understand there is a time to go against the grain and there are times to enjoy the wheels already put in motion by others. I do not have to manufacture a vehicle to enjoy the comfort of a sports car. This is the youth role, chaotic. Think Protesters.

Tolerance: 100% Challenge
Should I have to challenge a decision a person makes, the only way we move forward is if they come off that decision. This is the last box I engage. Actually, honestly, I do not consciously engage this box. It’s a side of me that takes over (just like our survival instincts) and at which point it’s too late to savage the situation if the other person maintains their ground.

Generally, personally, to reach this point would mean, I’ve tried Peace Making to no avail, I’ve engaged Law Making and it gets ignored. Now, my boundaries are being tested and I go into fight (really, destroy) mode. Keep the peace, or leave me in peace.

Thank God I haven’t had to engage this reasoning box often, but I know it’s there. I’ve just done a better job being around people who like peace (or being by myself instead of giving up my peace). I’ve done a better job of setting up my laws of engagement and cutting ties with people who do not acknowledge and respect them. So by the time my temperance grows into a Challenger state, it’s too late. Hence the 100% tolerance. At this state, I care nothing for their suggestion, idea or thoughts.

Using this lens of reasoning boxes, I gain an additional perspective to view and interact with my friends. I can gauge who’s more likely to prefer telling others what to do — making sure things will work out (Law Maker), who prefers only having a good time — seeing things work out (Peace Maker) and who prefers going against the suggestions of others — making sure their idea works out (Challenger).

Think of being stranded on the wrong island, and you have to make it to a different island. The Law Maker of the group would be solely concerned about making sure there is a boat to cross to the other island. The Challenger of the group would rock this boat to see if it leaks, and if it does, he would go build his own boat. While the Peace Maker is only concerned about making sure only people who would not capsize the boat actually gets on the boat.

How about you? There is a definite way you view the world. What are your tendencies? Are you more likely to rock the boat? And if the boat isn’t solid, then go create your own boat? There is virtue in being a Challenger. Are you more likely to make sure there’s a boat? Law Makers can do great things. Or are you more interested in people (who would not capsize the boat) being on the boat? Peace Makers make the world go round.

Think of your numbers. While there are no tests that I know of to get these numbers, one would have to look over their life and past decisions to guage what their truth would be, or better still ask your friends what your numbers could be.

Above all, I wish you the knowledge of self. For a mountain can only be conquered by the man who thinks to himself “This little pebble of a mountain cannot stop me. I’m bigger and tougher than this little pebble of a mountain.” You have to know yourself well to see yourself as bigger than a mountain.

Knowing how you behave, and why you behave puts you on the path of redesigning when you behave.

I wish you understanding. I wish you great things. I wish you peace.

With Love,

Famous Steve.