The Glue That Holds Relationships
Several elements sustain a romantic relationship. She brings the chaos, you bring the order. You form the yang, she blossoms as the yin. You tell the jokes, she nods her head. She’s extroverted, while you don’t like people that much. Since no two people in a romantic relationship are exactly alike, many of your similarities, temperament and sense of excitement, amongst other elements, continue to sustain and grow your bond.
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that the survival of a relationship, maybe marriage, might come down to one attribute only. Not to make light of a life long commitment, I should clarify while it might be one attribute, this attribute is similar to an iceberg, it comprises of a whole lot more.
For most people, every waking day, as your mind scans your life to determine the quality of your existence, you undoubtedly, mostly unconsciously answer “Yes”, “I don’t know”, or “Not anymore” about your relationship and partner. Your consistent response then enforces a course of action immediately or eventually.
Choosing to be in a relationship is a daily commitment, not a one time commitment (“yes I do” in front of a congregation) that’s supposed to last forever. Everyday, you are choosing to commit for one more day — or not.
This is undermining whether or not you and your partner just had a laugh, or just finished arguing. Once your answer becomes a no, and continues to be a no, your mind begins to check out.
Remember your mind’s ultimate goal is to change your state, from what you don’t want, to more of what it thinks you want. This self preservation is outside the laws of morals, past promises or societal expectations, while these might influence your execution of leaving or staying, it however does not stop your mind from considering a better state.
Realizing this principle, and in an attempt to apply this knowledge in my own life, I propose the wise thing to do is to make it easier for your partner to want to say Yes, to you, every day. Most people don’t know this. And, I won’t be surprised if this is why a lot of people part ways.
In many of my interactions with people who have been hurt in the past, most of them are perplexed that their lover left even though the same person once promised to never leave.
In my case, I’ve left relationships because the person stopped making it easy to be around them. Good or bad, people generally want to stay where they are wanted, appreciated, seen, heard, played with and spoken to. Making your partner feel like they belong in your crew, makes them want to stay in your crew.
To make things even more complex, people change and taste change. One person could transform their life so much that their partner no longer match who they would want to say yes to.
Some people become bitter over the years, some begin to take on attributes they’ve hidden inside them for so long, or the differences continuously outnumber the similarities.
Not to say all hopes’ lost, determined couples can find a way — determined anybody can always find a way regarding whatever they’re determined about. Doctors with all their hours still have functional relationships, Sailors with all their months out on sea, still have people who love and wait for them. It comes down to just how tolerable are you, really?
Your mind determines Yes or No, based on the one glue that holds a relationship together. Tolerance.
A relationship does not simply break up because the love is dead, there are many relationships without the same spark it had in the beginning, though dead love would be a valid reason.
People in relationships do not continue to stay together only because they are so much in love, there are many exes still in love, though it would make a lot of sense. Relationship continue or separate based on tolerance.
People break up because “they’ve had enough”, “it just wasn’t working out”, “I tried”, “It was like pulling teeth”, “I deserve better”, “they just got worse”, “I wasn’t ready”. To simplify, all of these translates to one thing: I just could no longer tolerate _____ about that person.
Like the gas tank in your neighbor’s car, your tolerance level fluctuates from empty to full, back to blinking low, please refuel.
This understanding begs the question, just how tolerable are you? When you speak with food in your mouth, how easy are you making your tolerance? When you say you do not care whether your partner stays or goes, how much of that do you expect them to tolerate? And, for how long?
On the flip side, how strong is your tolerance engine? Are you out on the first tug? Or do you continue to run on empty? Are you a lightweight or a martyr? Are you somewhere in between? How often do you refuel? How much can you tolerate, really? And, for how long?
Studying for my personal life, I’ve come to find when you interact with kind people, you don’t have to worry much about them being unkind. When you interact with respectable and sensible people, you don’t have to worry much about tolerating their nonchalant, annoying personality — simply because that’s not their default. And when it does happen, you know something is wrong. As opposed to the contrary, where the person’s (default is) more prone to yelling and embarrassment while you hope for one day of sensibility in front of your friends.
It is important to be tough for life, equipped with mental prowess, consistently gathering knowledge and evaluating ideas. When it comes to building a partnership in your relationship, compassion is very important.
Even more important is being with someone who makes it easy to tolerate their misdoings. You cannot be a lightweight and expect a glorious, blossoming, till the ends of time relationship.
You do deserve the best love, you also should equip yourself with tolerance fuel and choose someone who doesn’t consume all your energy. At the same time, pay attention to how unbearable you are.
As you go about your day, interacting with people, consider just how much they have to tolerable with their loved ones and how much ease you could offer them in the little amount of time you spend conversing with them.
It could all be so simple.