Relationship: The Cost of Love.

walk towards me, my cherry
as the wind blows,
and passion grows,
bring those hips
in front of me
mon cheri.

When you talk a lot, you have less to write. And, boy, have I been talking a lot. It’s also true when you read less, you have less to write. When you study less, you have less to write. While I have been reading and study often, I sure have been talking a whole lot more than I’d grown used to.

If you can’t guess it by now, I’m in a relationship (cue: confetti and jubilation — thank you, thank you, far too kind), or to make it even more cheesy, I’m in a committed relationship (ooh la la). And you don’t know women, really, until you’re in a “committed relationship”.

I’ve spent a while as a single man, I should say I’ve had relationships in the past but they’re so spaced apart. I’ve spent more time single than “in love”.

And as a single guy you build up this perception of women, you see girl, your instincts evaluate her level of sexiness according to your level of horniness, and you build up a qualifying bias to bring you closer to the girl. A few haha’s, a few you’re so funny’s and you begin to think you know this girl. Haha Wrong!

A relationship is a beautiful thing but it’s not for free. The best of relationships will cost you both what you’re willing to pay and what you’re not willing to pay. The worst of relationships will cost you everything you have. Relationships are a beautiful thing. You should be scared.

Walk with me, let’s get busy.

Life in a relationship, and life as a single man.

When I was single, I could like multiple girls in one night. There was no direction to my affection. I “loved” all of them. More honestly, I lust. Recently, I learned love is giving, lust is taking, in my single days, I could see multiple women I wanted to take (home), and give my (*cough, cough) evening to. Don’t mean I want to spend my mornings with them.

In a relationship, my attention and focus goes only to one person. During a study I found this, paraphrasing: “When you’re committed to someone, you don’t allow yourself to seek out perfection in another”. And my lack of directional affection as a single man was simply seeking out perfection in most girls I came across.

When I was single, I was touchy. I did not shake hands with women, I hug them. When I walk, I hold her hand (or she interlock fingers) or keep my hand on her waist if we were “just talking”.

In a relationship, haha don’t even think of it. Your girl can smell your thoughts. I understand now, even handshakes can be too much, no physical contact is preferred. Hugs are a betrayal. Don’t even wave, unless you have to, and be ready to answer the “who was that?” question on your way home. You keep your hands to yourself or you keep your hands on her, those are your only two options. And, I love it.

When I was single, going out was the thing to do. You spend money when you go out. You spend and spend when you’re single. Talking to multiple girls, involve spending multiple times for the same thing.

In a relationship, and I thought this was opposite or maybe it has to do with who you’re with, but I’ve found that you still spend but not as frequent. I used to think guys in relationships spent much more than single guys, and this might be true for some, but I don’t agree with that anymore, now I believe guys in relationships actually spend less than single guys. You still take her out, yes, but you don’t have to “overspend” and she (sometimes) doesn’t even want you to spend too much.

As a single man, people care about you, a little bit.

In a relationship, one person cares about you, a little too much.

When I was single, I somewhat knew girls get bothered by men but you don’t really know. It’s like a billboard, you don’t really pay attention to what it says just as you don’t really pay attention to how much attention girls receive, that might have been because I wasn’t doing too bad as a single guy so I didn’t really care about whatever games other guys were running.

In a relationship, oh my, you almost wonder how girls keep a straight face or how they don’t get irritated, I mean, I can imagine most girls actually enjoy guys wanting them and showing they want them, but from a male’s perspective, these girls get spoken to everywhere — it doesn’t matter where, regardless of the mood she’s in, there’s a knight willing to scoop her up. Guys her age, guys her brother’s age, guys her father’s age, guys her grandfather’s age. It’s wild. At a particular age range everybody wants her, it’s not her fault or anything she’s doing, it’s just the age and stage she’s in. Often times, you find yourself asking “did you know him before?” and she’d say “no, seeing him for the first time”, “and he did/gave you all of that?”. It gets worse, for some unknown reason, when I was single I thought girls get bombarded by only single men but no, no, no, it is not limited to single guys, and this was more of a shocker to me, and I don’t really know why this part is so surprising to me, maybe because I haven’t had reasons to think of it — but married men + single men would continue to pull her attention from who she’s with. A few days ago I joked men are more faithful than women because it’s easy for a girl to be confused or conflicted from the overabundance of admirers. So as a guy in a relationship, you have to be your best self, always. The competition doesn’t stop but pay no mind to the competition, continue being your best self, she’s with you, not them.

When I was single, you go to clubs and bars to meet women. To hang out with the boys but also see who else is out and if something might come of it.

In a relationship, you see clubs and bars differently. When I was single, a hot topic between me and friends used to be “why is she here if she doesn’t want to meet/talk to anybody?” Well, the truth of it, a girl does not have to be at the club or bar to meet somebody, she just has to be outside the house and there’s someone willing to talk to her. Of course, this is based on how fit, young and attractive she is, but you get my point. When a girl is at a club or a bar, she’s there mostly to “have fun” not to meet “the one”. So, you have fun, if she’s not engaging, you move on to someone engaging, and that’s true for wherever you encounter her. Club, bar, wedding, church, boat, wherever. Engage those that are engaging. For me, I actually lost the desire to go to clubs and bars, at this stage you’d rather classy restaurants with great ambiance. I’m just getting old, that’s all.

When I was single, conversations are short and to the point, unless they’re really intellectual.

In a relationship, all your conversations, feels like all of them, are lengthy and mostly with one person. Girls can talk. I mean every human has the ability to talk but that’s not what I mean, what I mean is Girls Can Talk! for hours! Especially a heart (you know life of the party, brain and heart, if you don’t know then catch up), a heart will tell you everything. Every single thing, so the both of you remain one. You know what she knows.

As a single man, my memory was just there to keep me alive. My perception, where the closest exit was, who’s behind me, how safe do I feel, who’s challenging me, what route got me here? where did I park? what was the last meal I had? and all the other thoughts are just to keep me alive.

In a relationship, an argument lives or dies based on your memory. If you don’t remember what you did or what you said, you’re SOL. While the brilliant articles would inform you arguments are not about right or wrong, not about winning or losing, those articles were written for single people. When you’re coupled up, your wits have to be firing on all cylinders. You can’t just forget to call her back. You can’t just forget what she’s allergic to, you can’t just forget which of her friends you’re to stay far away from. Forget at your own risk.

As a single man, when you listen to Big Sean’s Living Single record, you side with Big Sean.

In a relationship, when you listen to Big Sean’s Living Single record, you side with Henry.

As a single man, you do what you want. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.

In a relationship, a girl who likes you wants to talk to you all the time — if she’s not sleeping. Even when she’s sleeping she’s still talking to you in her dream. Once in awhile you’d get one of those “I can’t believe you did that”, “Did what?”, “Oh, in my dream last night. .”

As a single man, you rarely get challenged by women. As a respectable dude you rarely if ever get confronted by women, unless she’s bunkers. Your concern is being challenged by other men.

In a relationship, you will be challenged, steadily by your girl. She will test you continuously, in intervals, to make sure you’re ready for the world. More reason why your memory has to be functioning and you have to be a man before entering a relationship and remain a man after you enter one. Know what you want (from her and from life), and stand your ground, then she’d stand with you.

As a single guy, you can do what you want. Sleep when you want.

In a relationship, be ready to answer for the periods you were not reachable. Haha, “you turned off your phone for hours, what were you doing?” good luck justifying that.

When I was single, guys don’t really care, not because we are all asswholes but we just don’t care for too much. The basic things, food, sleep, bootycall, the basic things matter to us, everything else, including work, we could give a bird about. We just do those things for doing sake. We genuinely dont care for too much. We care for silence though, and quiet and peace, and food. That’s about it. Feed us and rub our heads and we can stay in the same spot for days. No mystery here.

In a relationship, you’d soon understand women are very competitive, oh my heavens. I dont think they know how to not compete and compare. Now, it’s to your advantage because if you continue to live a good life, your best life, she wouldn’t want another girl taking you from her. And girls don’t fight fair. But if you just sit in the same spot for days, you don’t sweat in the gym, you don’t pull her hair, she’d soon start to wonder why she’s with you.

When I was single, mattress in a room is the same as fully furnished. Maybe a table and chair, if absolutely necessary.

In a relationship, you realize extra pillows, extra blankets, plants, colors, air freshener, lights and a bunch of extra stuff is necessary for the room to be inhabitable.

As a single man, you wonder how did all these guys get girlfriends and you’re still single. For me, I knew some dudes were eating sheet from their girlfriend just to have a girl and that wasn’t worth it for me.

In a relationship, you’d soon realize she’s not doing you a favor by being in a relationship with you — that is, if you’re a man. A grown man. Girls meet a lot of men and that’s true but girls do not meet a lot of quality men. Let that sink in. Why do you think young girls go with married men? because they want to break up the home? maybe but its mostly because guys their age are still digging up their nose and not a lot of them are growing into leading men.

As a single man, you think about sex a lot.

In a relationship, you think about sex but not you having sex but your girlfriend having sex without you. What is she doing? Why haven’t I heard from her? is she doing abc and xyz haha that’s crazy, she’s probably sleep, she’s probably talking with her girlfriend, her phone is probably off — it mostly turns out to be the other options, girls rarely decide to cheat but when they do, you’d never know — unless they want you to find out.

As a single guy, you learn how to fight. You fight with your fist. No too much talking. If he’s ready to go, you have to be able and ready to turn off John (the nice guy) and turn on Jimmy (the wrecker).

In a relationship, you have to know how to fight. I have since known, from a study years ago, that it is impossible for two people to inhabit the same space without quarrel. So, the two of you will get on each others nerves, that’s natural and that has to be the case, unless one of you is pretending. Now, how you go about it, requires a doctoral degree in emotional control. This is mostly an uphill battle for the guy as most girls already come equipped with how to fight with just their mouth, the guy is entering a different zone where you have to put your fists away and argue your stand with your words, without insulting the other. Goodluck. Plus it’s your responsibility as the leader of the relationship to ensure there’s peace in the relationship. That means after your justification, if she still feels hurt, don’t tell her to get over it, or expect her to bring herself out of it, you have to walk back into the storm and bring her out of the cloud of emotions into the light. You have to be a man before you get into the relationship, you have to remain the man after you enter one.

As a single man, the important things matter.

In a relationship, everything matters.

As a single guy, you go about jealousy a different way. It’s mostly the girl you want, has a boyfriend. The girl you want is chatting with another guy. The girl you want is teasing you. Your emotions are all over the place, you want her bad.

In a relationship, you don’t easily get riled up, there’s the green zone, oh she’s just having a conversation, I don’t really care, she can have a conversation. Then there’s the yellow zone, did he just touch her shoulder? Haha, Jimmy is starting to wake up. Then there’s the red zone, where she picks up a call while you’re both on a date. It’s important not to easily get riled up because if you have anger issues, which a ton of us men have, or better still, if you don’t know how to manage your temper, you will be angry all day. She is going to leave the house and that is fine. You have to trust her to manage the attention she receives from men, heck, she’s been managing it before she met you. As long as it stays in the green zone, maybe a little bit of yellow, to wake you up incase you start slacking in your relational responsibilities but it shouldn’t get to red because then Jimmy takes over and “you wont like the Hulk when he’s angry”.

As a single guy, your mind can play tricks on you.

In a relationship, your girl can play tricks on you.

When I was single, I didn’t really care about cheating. That’s just honest. I mean, I wasn’t involved in anything serious, because that would be a relationship, as a single guy, I just was — in the moment, with whomever I shared that moment with. If she had a boyfriend then I’m not interested. If she’s separated (and not yet divorced) then I’m not interested. But if she doesn’t tell me and I can’t sense it, our both understanding is she is single (or single in that moment), then here we are.

In a relationship, you begin to educate yourself on what cheating is — in a study I learned, “cheating is anything I wouldn’t want you to know about” and that’s a big umbrella. You can’t worry about your girl cheating because you’d worry all day. You can’t not worry about your girl cheating because she’d cheat all day. So, what do you do? great question. You live your life, you take care of your own faithfulness and believe she’s doing the same, when you find reasons to think otherwise, don’t ignore it. If true, Walk, and never look (go) back.

As a single guy, life is simple.

In a relationship, life is colorful.

When I was single, I didn’t lie. I had no reason to lie to anybody. Instead of lying, I just won’t answer. And I didn’t have to — answer if I didn’t want to.

In a relationship, you get introduced really quickly to helpful lies. I mean it’s jacked up to think lying can be helpful but I’m telling you, you would quickly appreciate these little helpers. My first lie: “Did you exchange numbers?” Before you judge me, I was fresh in a relationship, still learning my way around. I answered “No”. Well, we did but not for the reasons she would have thought. It was more “professional?” as opposed to “meet me in the bathroom” but my past reputation would have sent her imaginations wild if I had answered honestly. I’m doing better now, because those little helpers can cause much damage. Another example would be “what were you doing?” and I’d answer “working”, but I was really sleeping. God forgive me my sins.

I’ll stop here.

Psychical Adjustments When Affection Is Introduced.

Overall, both stages of one’s existence is important to experience a full life. While single, use that time to cultivate who you are as a person, then bring that knowledge into the relationship and do your very best to not lose that person you’ve cultivated. The only issue is single people rush into relationships. They get tired of being single. It’s natural, the human mind wants variety, single and then not single. I’m telling you, if you don’t get all the marbles and wisdom you’re supposed to get in your single stage, you would wish you could go back in time but it’d be too late. Now you’d have to work the relationship with what you’ve got.

On the basic level, women are there to change you. Simple. To a woman, you’d always be a work in progress and the day you graduate, is the day you become boring, you become boring, she leaves. Growing up, girls play with dolls, you know what they do with dolls? they dress them up, they twist them around, they snap its neck, eventually they get bored and they move on to a different doll. Now, a moving doll or a talking doll, endless sensation because its different, and different gets her attention. The preprogrammed doll behaves a particular way, and the little girl wants to control the doll like she’s done with the others but this doll can resist the burning urge of the little girl to change the doll. Case in point: Know your true self, that’s who she wants. She’s going to want to control you, that’s just natural. Do not be shaken. Read the doll story again.

Periodically, to remain sane you have to remind yourself: You cannot lose your mind over a girl, fight that urge. She’s just a girl. And while she’s the one for you, she’s not the only girl in the world. And “you haven’t met everyone who would love you”. You can never predict when a girl will leave. She doesn’t know, nobody does. You can never confirm if she’d ever leave, she might think she will and never does. All you can be is to be your best self, live your best life. Whether she stays or goes, your life must continue with or without her. Your life is more important than your relationship. Hundreds of years ago, a very smart man once said, paraphrasing, “it’s ok to be in love, but it’s not ok to be stupid”. So my friend, fall in love but do not be foolish.

Understand, on the basic level, women are there to change you. Simple. Men are there to not change. So, allow her to affect your life but change very little. Remember you have to remain as close to who you were that attracted her and not who her little internal minions are trying to change you to, once you change, her minions move on to obsessing about someone else and you both lose. You’re no longer who you recognize, you’re no longer who attracted her.

It is important for men to spend time being single, it could be helpful for women but I think it a good practice for men. If you don’t know how to be a man when you’re single, a girl would chew you up in a relationship. Girls can be mean. If you don’t believe me, ask a married man.

Women are not the nice little girls you think they are, women are fully functioning adults that think different from your male pals. You have to know good from bad on your own, you have to already build self control on your own, you have to have goals, plans, focus on your own. She can be your greatest cheerleader, she can be your most advanced manager but you have to bring the substance. If you’re incredibly shallow, she becomes the mom, you become the child. You might get to make love to her body, but Jimmy would be fcuking her mind — and soon her body will follow.

You have to be a man. A fully functioning, healthy, matured man. And you know the best part of it all? You have to be ok whichever way the leave falls. She’s not your property, you dont own her, if she leaves let her. People make their own mistake. Be your true self and as long as you remain true to self, she has no reason to leave, but if she thinks it best to leave, believe her.

Girls can see what guys cant. Girls can sense what guys cant. So, you do need a girl in your life. But first you have to have a life. You have to experience life. You have to have an identify. She modifies what you have, but you have to have something. Think of women as yeasts, you have to bring the flour. A bread (flour) without yeast does not blossom as bread with yeast. She’s not going to be your flour and your yeast.

You have to have male company, always. Do not let her chase off all your guy friends, fight for them. Hold on to genuine friends. You need them. Women can be overwhelming and when her little internal minions are firing on all cylinders she’s going to want to change everything about you. She will tell you how to think, how to talk, how to walk, how to pronounce your name, when she’s in overdrive, it’s important for you to know who you are, shelter the storm and remain a rock, her rock. Do not change your foundation to please a woman. It’s a catch, if you show her you can change your foundation, you kill her interest in you. This is where it becomes very important to have and keep male friends. Guys don’t BS around, they barely sugarcoat, if you’re acting suspect they’d rip off your blindfold.

I’ve been studying relationships a whole lot since being in one and from my personal research and education, I’d tell guys without a father figure, if you grew up without your father, rush, find a father figure preferably before finding a girl. If you already have a girl, even more important, hasten, you have to find a respectable male you can look up to.

For the love of your sanity, only leave singleness for a girl you actually like. Only leave singleness for a girl who actually likes you. And test her continuously to make sure she chooses you, and chooses only you. Girls are the first con artists, if you choose to ignore signs, you will be played for years, if not all your remaining adult life. She can be sneaky, she can be loving, she can be helpful, she can be deadly. Engage cautiously.

Nothing has half the power to completely destroy a man, like a woman. Turn on a sports channel, read the newspaper, men smarter, richer, taller, handsomer, well spoken-er, enthusiatic-er, everything-er better than you, have been utterly destroyed, ridiculed, impeached and sacked because of a woman. Read that till it sends shivers down your throat. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re better off leaving her alone. Fire can warm you, fire can burn you to ashes. If you don’t know, now you know.

Nothing in all of the world, not the ocean, man conquered the ocean, not lions, men kill lions, not elephants, men tame elephants, nothing, not storm, not fire, not wind, not wine, nothing in all of the world, not even self destruction, nothing in all of the world can completely destroy a man, like a woman. If you value your life, then don’t lose your life. If she stops helping you build towards a good life, if she wants to leave, if she’s fed up, if she’s anything but helpful, believe her and allow her leave. If you forget everything you’ve read, if you value your life, then remember this: Do not hold on to a woman who wants to leave.

You have to give her something to worry about, it’s not a suggestion, it’s a commandment. Her mind requires something to unknot. You have to gift that to her. But really, it’s easy and simple. If you remain masculine, she in her feminine state would have something to worry about. If you maintain your best self, she’d naturally have something to worry about. You cannot become the woman, no matter the justification. Keep your relationship far away from the media. There’s the perception of a restaurant from the dining hall, and there’s an entirely different perception of the same restaurant from the kitchen. What really works in a relationship cannot be found in a magazine. What you’re being fed that she’s attracted to and what she is really attracted to are two different things. What she swears she’s attracted to and what makes her giggly and girly are two different things. You are not there to go inside her mind or examine her every thought, you’re there to live your best life, with her. A girl in love with you, naturally adjusts herself to match you. It’s biological.

The mind of Men are easily influenced to fall into a fallacy. Men are more naive and more inexperienced. No matter how sneaky a guy can get, you don’t know anything about sneakiness like a girl can do. A girl is like artificial learning. She learns you, becomes you then use that knowledge for you or against you. Men on the other hand? men are just simple. Your girl is smart, very smart, if you don’t see it then you’re blind to a lot of things. If you start thinking of her as an angel, you’ve lost your way. A girl will feign helpless if that’s what you expect of her, for her to what she wants, but best believe girls are not helpless. And it becomes part of your duty to lead her into bringing out her helper within her more than she feigns helpless for men (her male “best friends” and orbiters, it doesnt have to be you) to “rescue” her. You’ve watched too much television, if you think she needs rescuing.

A wife would take your savings. Girlfriend would take your (future) earnings. A vicious wife would take both your savings (what you acquired before you met her) and your earnings (what you’ll acquire after you’ve left her). That’s the cost of getting screwed. Monks don’t have this problem.

A relationship is a beautiful thing but it’s not for free. The best of relationships will cost you both what you’re willing to pay and what you’re not willing to pay. The worst of relationships will cost you everything you have. Relationships are a beautiful thing. You should be scared.

So, if you’re crying and praying for a wife, maybe you should be crying and praying for a good life.

With Love,

Famous Steve.

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