Relationship: Actions and Expectations.
Long time. I’ve been recently asked a question to which I had no immediate answer, and what’s a better day to dig deep than today? so let’s unravel layers of forgotten memories together. See where the answer lies. Let’s begin
During our conversation, she blurts out. .”Yesterday, I went to a bodega to get food, today as I walked by the same kiosk, I heard someone running after me, he kept asking if I liked the meal yesterday?, and why didn’t I return today? and that he loved me”. She pause for a response. I laugh, “haha, oh really?” she continues “he kept saying he loved me and wants me to try more of his dishes and that he wants to see me again”. . .apparently my response of “oh yeah, so what did you say?”, “haha tell me more. .” was not the desired response. Next, frustrated, she says “I don’t understand, is it that you do not get jealous?” And just like that I understood there was a hidden agenda behind the stories.
One conversation between two people yet both of us left the conversation with different understanding. For her, she was gauging temperature, which is understandable, most times it’s tough for people to know my emotional temperature. For me, I was quite engaged in the conversation, it’s like having front row seats to the life of a young pretty woman. In one day, she encountered three different men plus took on the responsibilities of a full day, plus whatever worries was going through her mind. That was amazing to me. For me, I only had my immediate responsibilities to deal with. There were no women jumping over my fence to talk to me.
Jokes aside, her question does deserve an answer, eventually.
She wants to know: Do I not get jealous? Well, I don’t know and honestly I’d like to know too.
When I was younger I used to feel a full spectrum of emotions of which jealousy most likely would have been one of them. Also, when I was younger, I was convinced my fate was in my hands. I was much determined I could sway a girl from zero interest to full blown love. Thankfully with a lot of deserved disappointments, tears and plain disbelief — that determination I had as a young man began to give way to the realism of wisdom. I began to be less disappointed, less tears, that also meant I became the one disappointing and feeding tears. Somewhere during that transition, jealousy must have been left in the dark. Or, was it? Let’s dig deeper.
I was boo’d up in college, I was one of those people kissing on the campus bus, waiting outside classrooms and holding hands walking to the cafeteria. I bring up college because, even then, I was not “jealous”. I remember one time at a night club, the guy who seemed like he “had no chance with the ladies that night” somehow I chose to go have a conversation with him and invited him to go ask my college boo for a dance. I trusted her. And if he turned out to be a lunatic, I was only steps away to knock his lights out. But, it made his night, there were no issues, and I took the reins back without making him feel less than. Writing this, I share the story and my college life because I do not believe a “jealous” person would have done that. I’ve heard of people who lose their sheet if you simply looked at their girl. Clearly, that’s not me. I mentally identify a clear line between disrespect and jealousy. After college, I’ve also been in clubs, as a single man, danced with girls only for them to point to their boyfriends when I tried to pull them in closer. I’d leave them be, puzzled by the ice in the veins of the boyfriend who stood with his homies and just watched his girl dance up and down with someone else. While I don’t know for sure, I can somewhat say clearly intense jealousy was not an issue for dude and his girl.
Back to my conversation, the next day the opinion I formed was this — Jealousy is wanting someone who isn’t yours. And, I only want what’s mine, therefore I don’t get jealous. After enough sleep and enough days, I don’t think I agree with that opinion anymore. So I dug deeper, and I came up with this: Jealousy is being scared the one who chose you is now choosing someone else. Yeah, no. This describes a heartbreak, not jealousy. While jealousy, I think, can be heartbreaking, jealousy is different from heart break. Then in my continued search trying to put a meaning to that which I’m trying to answer, I came up with this: Jealousy is when that whom you do not want to lose, begin to choose someone else instead of choosing you — No, this is heartbreak, not jealousy. Then, Jealousy is the welcoming of attention that should have been “unwelcomed”. No, this is disrespect, not jealousy. Wow, quite elusive. Finally, we have this: Jealousy is the response to something outside of your control. Actions taken by the one you chose — between her and a third party. Actions that threaten the bond you share. The suggestion of the possibility of an impending loss. So far, I agree with this. But that brings up a response.
If you trust who you’re with, should you then be jealous? if you don’t trust who you’re with and are jealous, why are you with them? “If she was mine and now she desires someone else, well good luck to her” — is how I see the world. If she’s mine, seeing her talk to another guy doesn’t unnerve me. If she were kissing him that’s a different thing, though I doubt I’d feel jealous more so than disappointment. If she’s not mine then what does it matter what I feel or care to feel, why be bothered by who isn’t mine?
Well as you can probably tell, my thinking seems more head related than heart related. I think jealousy is a hint at an unnerving possibility, which I would think can be the case for people who do not feel comfortable, at ease, complete, in unison, with their beloved. Jealousy means different things to different people. I’ve had conversations with girls in the past who interpret love and affection by the display of jealousy and the provocation of anger — if you’re not getting angry, then you don’t care for them. Unfortunately, I don’t get angry. If I do, I stop interacting with whomever got me to the point of being angry. Such a classic mismatch. Surprisingly also, the word “cheating” means different things to different people. For some, simply smiling back to another girl is borderline adultery, while to others it’s simply being jovial and friendly. Thankfully, I don’t have to investigate right now on what “cheating” means to me. However, I do agree details are often hidden in the definition.
It’s important to understand what you call a Spade. Then, listen for what the other person identifies as a Spade. Only then can you both call a Spade a Spade. When the way you display how much you care is different from how she interprets caring, all your actions would go unnoticed, all her expectations would go unmet. When you find yourself saying the same words over and again but no changes, consider replacing that word with your definition of that word. “I feel like you ignore me” is not the same as “You don’t call me enough”. For very easily, often unintentionally, a Spade, to the other person, could very well resemble a Club. When big words fail, use small words. When one word fails, use sentences. Which highlights the importance of communication. If you can talk about it together, you can go further together.
Now I am beginning to understand what I call a Spade, as it relates to jealousy. The point were I might envision being jealous would be towards the end of a relationship where I still want her but she’s not convinced she wants to stay. And, if that’s the case, the story that prompted this deep dive, while an interesting story, doesn’t unnerve me to become jealous. And, actually if I felt jealous, like she intended, it’d mean our interaction was over. Jealousy is the acknowledgement of loss, however temporary. While some interpret jealousy as the start of something good, proves you care. The opposite is true for me. I look for the laughter, that’s how I interpret care and sincerity. Laughter, not jealousy. Genuine, serious, watery eye laughter. For me, jealousy means the end of something good. A solid bond is not easily threatened. A threatened bond is not solid. I want solid.
Why bask in something shaky when you could build a strong foundation with someone who inspires you?