Mind: A Month Stuck In A Mental Maze.

Sometimes the outward is a reflection of the inward. Unfortunately, there is a section of the inward, our inward seldom sees. And that — is a blind spot. Sometimes what you experience on the outside is a reflection of your blind spot.

For the past month, I’ve found myself in a state of reflection. I liken it to being in a maze. For most of this month, I couldn’t clearly understand (the reason behind) what I was thinking. I recognized the presence of the thoughts, listened to them though I did not know what to do with them. I did not (consciously) choose to be in this maze of self reflection but it’s a journey and I’m curious to see where it leads. While in this maze, I also could not write — because I did not have a clear line of (organized) thought. I instead had small chunks of thought processes which did not connect with each other.

Here’s an example of one of the small chunk of thought processes. About six years ago, I used to know a girl and when our “knowing of each other” stopped, I went on thinking she did me wrong. While I did not hold a grudge, that reasoning was how my mind wrapped up the interaction. So whenever I thought of my past or if I were to remember this person, I would also remember “ah, yeah, she did me wrong.” Anyways, one afternoon about three weeks ago while in this maze of reflection, I was downstairs dancing while waiting for dinner to be ready when I had a thought. I realized out of the blue “Hold on a second, wow, it was actually me who did her wrong, not the way I have always thought of it”. Unfortunately, it took me six years to realize I only saw the effect of something I caused. I was blind to my own actions but conveniently focused on her reaction.

That was the thought. While it helps me now understand that I have blind spots and that what I think I know I might not actually know, still I did not know what (else) to do with the thought. It did not connect with anything else going on in my life at the moment. And, while I don’t know why I thought of her specifically and I don’t have a way to find this person (neither do I really want to) and apologize for all the actions they must have done that (in response to what I did, actions that could have been avoided but) were triggered by my selfishness and lack of concern.

So, I let that thought sit and moved on with my life. Still in the maze of self reflection. As I started writing this, I realize my sudden concentrated interest about the past must have been a result of one of the books I was reading earlier this month — The Body Keeps The Score. The book draws a direct line between the events of your upbringing (past) and how it shapes your adult view of the world (present). Maybe somehow my mind figured the “unsettled” question marks of my past should be settled instead of ignored or rather forgotten.

While I didn’t think my past encounter with this particular girl was at all significant to my life, I do remember that a huge chunk of me trusting another person was done away with after that encounter — I still remember that being my take away from the experience six years ago. Only to now realize that my action led to her reaction and her reaction led to my exposure to the realization of some humans (not the girl, someone else) vulnerability to choose self interest over trust. Realizing my action caused the ruckus, what impact, if any, does this realization of my participation have on my increasing distrust of people? If the basis of that conclusion was incomplete?
Imagine this: When you think, it’s safer for A to equal C because B is inconsistent, you make the decision and begin to live life that way for the next six years. A = C. Only to now realize, those many years ago, you actually moved B to a new position, that’s why B appeared inconsistent. What do you now do? A habit is formed, character has been modified, a new neurological pathway established. I’m inexperienced in this additional layer of psycho analysis. My brain is hurting.

Let’s move on. After a few series of thoughts that appeared unrelated to present life, I had another yesterday. And, fortunately this finally helped me put everything into perspective and understand that the different pieces really do fit together. Yesterday, I spoke to a friend on the phone, someone I used to be really close with from back in the day. And after the interaction, I was thrown back to my past and I had a hard time reconciling the past with the present. A micro identity crash. Who am I? Is it who I know myself to be or who I might come off as to others?

From the conversation, while it wasn’t verbally expressed, I came off the interaction recognizing there was a sense that I had “forgotten” this person, you know, moved on from them. That they were somehow not good enough to be my friend anymore because of whatever “success” I might have encountered. This is heartbreaking to think of. Because it’s (to my conscious knowledge) not true. To me, a friend is a friend until they do something to no longer deserve to be a friend. See how it does not include either of our statuses in life?

I was conflicted, back in the maze, had thoughts but do not know or understand what I was thinking so I asked someone close to me for advice and they helped me realize “You did go two years without reaching out to this friend and how much of a friendship do you really have with this friend if you can go so long without reaching out to them? You cannot say they shouldn’t feel that way if your actions infact tell them to feel that way”. Such profound knowledge, eye opening yet heartbreaking. Honestly it wasn’t because of where either of us was at in life or that I moved on from them, it was, it was more so — the conversation just did not happen.

Have I made this friend believe I was something I did not want to be? While I might not have consciously thought me and this person were no longer friends, did my action (not reaching out for birthdays or holiday festivities, taking months to respond to messages) for two years speak louder than whatever my honest intentions were? Am I coming off as someone I do not want to come off as? Do I know how to express I care about someone without only thinking it to myself? Do I know I should express I care about someone without only me thinking it to myself? I find myself in this maze of self reflection trying to understand what now? With all these thoughts I really did not want to be thinking.

I opened up to another friend to help me dissect what I’m feeling (because I really did not know what I was feeling) and to help me draw out what I was trying to say from all the many words that were sipping out of my mouth. After the different conversations, late into the night, last night, while most of the world were fast asleep, halfway watching a TV show, I heard two words that snapped everything into perspective, what I’ve been going through finally dawned on me.

This month has been one of self reflection, yes. It’s been the self reflection of unintended consequences. Wow, lightbulb. That’s a mouthful too, where do I begin?

With the girl from six years ago, actually, unfortunately, I did not, at any one time, think my (terrible) actions would hurt (or matter to) her (how naive and - fill in terrible self description here - of me), while I did not consciously think, want, desire or intentionally choose to hurt her, I actually did. My being focused only on what I wanted and who I wanted to spend time with and what I wanted to do with who I wanted to do it with — all of those left her in a place to get hurt. And when she embarrassingly found out, it did hurt her. Her being hurt was an unintended consequence of me “doing my thing”.

With the friend I spoke to yesterday, my way of life of only being concerned about the present, the here and now, left him in a position to feel abandoned. Half the time I do not know where my phone is (that’s my excuse), the other half of the time my phone is on do not disturb, so if I’m not using the phone at the moment, the chances of anyone immediately reaching me (by phone) at a timely manner is almost zero. The unintended consequence of that way of life is that those close to me might think I’m ignoring them or unfriendly or that they are disturbing me. My mom when she’s tired of calling would ask me “Why do you even have a phone?”

The unintended consequences especially derived from inaction is more damaging than one’s intentional action.

A friend reminded me yesterday that the weight of greatness is a real thing. And, I can tell you the weight is quite heavy. I spend so much time making sure I am not in the wilderness of self destruction. I spend almost all waking hours analyzing my thoughts, desires, words and behavior to make sure I’m not venturing, not one foot, into the wilderness of self destruction. I spend a lot of my time making sure others do not become a hindering block on my journey to purpose. I spend a good portion of my brain energy in making sure I am not closed off, untrusting, with people. Then I also ensure that I am uplifting and encouraging to all the people life bring on my path from my youth to my old age. No one should be able to say that they met me at any stage in my life and I was nasty, loathing, backstabbing or unsupportive. I try to be a good friend, an awesome dad, a responsive son, and most especially a good person to myself. All these is going through my head all through the day and on top of all these, now today I’m realizing I have to make sure to consider the impact of my actions on those around me. What? I’m apparently not only responsible for me but also responsible for those close to me. I used to think each was responsible for themselves but that’s not the case. People take notice of who they are, and examine their self worth based on the treatment they receive from those around them.

I’ve read enough child development books to realize a child would grow up very different if brought up in an uplifting home as opposed to otherwise. But it doesnt end in our childhood, it goes on into our adulthood too. While I consciously wish the best to those around me and strive to be as supportive as necessary, I now have the added responsibility to look beyond my thoughts, look beyond my actions, look beyond my consciousness. I have to imagine the fall out of my actions before taking them even though the action is “really what I want” or critical in accomplishing my plan. I have to think about how my action (for my improvement) would impact those close to me. And care about how my action would impact those close to me.

Success to me is not solely me reaching and maintaining my big goals, success is reaching and maintaining my big goals while also being available to encourage, question and uplift those close to me on their journey and eventually all of us enjoying our successes together.

I’ve been focused on me. Becoming my best self, reaching my God given potential, trying to live my best life, live a life without much regrets, not hindering myself, not being limited by others. Now I am accepting and hope to remember the responsibility of making sure my desire to succeed does not unintentionally become the seed for another to crumble, especially someone close to me.

It turns out, you can say you love someone, you can go on having only good thoughts about this person, take actions not to hurt the person, yet still manage to hurt them severely. I’m now finding out, it goes beyond our conscious efforts. Unintended consequences is like a weird inverted game of life chess. You make a move to win the game while also balancing the moves on the board so the other does not give up on their effort to win. That is a tall task, but I would rather know this additional blind spot now than reach my height, only to realize I had somehow unintentionally cut down everyone I would have celebrated the victory with.

It is not easy to aspire for true greatness, like they say: “If it was easy, everyone would do it”.

Now you know. Yes you should strive hard to be your best self, but you are also responsible for those around you. Victory is only enjoyable if you have people to celebrate it with, and more enjoyable if those you’re celebrating with also win in their own way. If not, what’s the point? To be rich and alone in your mighty castle? Even the ancient Kings had courtiers around for the simple pleasure of having people around to celebrate and converse with. The goal is to be successful and surrounded by people you’ve known and who knows you, without them looking at you like you’re some superhuman, but them being comfortable around you because you’re still a friend beyond the “toys of life”. You can still roll on the floor, wrestle in the dirt, tease and play around regardless of your accomplishments or their success.

To everyone you meet at any stage in your life should you be caring, helpful, appreciative and supportive. Care for them, help them, appreciate them and support them.

With Love,

Famous Steve.