Love: Let’s Be Friends.

Let’s talk.

I pick the subject, you bring the words. Or, better still you pick a subject and I bring the words. Sounds good.

If I were to ask you on a day like today, what’s important to you? What would you say is the most important factor to all in existence, what would you answer? Love? Fine, let’s talk about love then.

I share with you today the concept of the bouncing ball. Walk with me.

If I were to drop a ball on a solid surface like concrete floor, what happens? It bounces right? Awesome, I agree. Alright. We know the ball would bounce till it stops bouncing. At the start of this exercise, we have three options. Drop the ball and let it bounce till it stops bouncing. Drop the ball and grab it before it stops bouncing. Or, don’t drop the ball at all because eventually it’d stop bouncing. Each person you hand the ball to would subscribe to one of the three ideology.

For some it makes no sense to even bother bouncing the ball, because they know how it’d end. They’ve seen it before. Why take on an action now and go chasing this same ball in a few seconds as it rolls down the hall when I could just continue to hold on to the ball and not worry about chasing the ball.

For another, they’d say I don’t mind watching the ball bounce, I’ll drop it, make a game of it, try to catch it before it stops bouncing, and who knows? I might drop it again and catch it until I’m tired of playing with the ball or something else grabs my attention.

And, for the last population, they’d say — I’d drop the ball and enjoy all the bounces it can give. See the beautiful in its rise and fall, until the moment fades away. I will however enjoy the moment while it’s in front of me.

Oh, I remember you picked the subject of Love and here I am talking about bouncing balls. My apologies, I got carried away. We’ll find our way back to discussing Love but before then, let me share another.

Picture this: I have a pretty girl to my left and a beautiful girl to my right. Engaged in conversation. Very exciting, I know but these girls are just friends. You’ll see why in a moment. The girl to my left says she would not date someone who was curious, someone too curious about concepts doesn’t excite her. She can be friends with them but she’d not date a guy like that.

The girl to my right, picked it right up. She said she actually would not date someone who was too close to their family. She’d be friends with them but she’d not date them. I don’t remember the other point she brought up about who she’d not date.

When both ladies were done, I added mine. I said — you see, I would not date a girl that wasn’t curious and I would not date a girl that had (agreement/communication/irreparable) issues with her parents. But I can be friends with her.

Then it dawned on me.

Why is it people we can be friends with are often not people we “can” date? Those who inspire our attraction and those with whom we can be really good friends with, are very often two different (types of) people. How is it so that when we add the possibility of dating to a person we’re friends with, we’re more likely to cringe or change the subject. “I don’t see them like that”, “I don’t think of them in that way”. Our requirement for dating seems to be more sophisticated than who we choose to be friends with. The funniest thing is it’s tougher to meet people who can qualify as your friend than it is to meet someone who’s attractive to you. Boy, have I been doing this whole thing wrong, and might continue doing it wrong because this is a tough character change to implement.

You wanted to talk Love? Well, here we go.

It doesn’t matter how many people you know, there are only a hand full of people you’d consider friends.

Friends are picked on their ability to get along with you, represent you, support you and move like you. Lovers are picked on attraction, with the hope of becoming (best) friends. There’s not that many people who are best friends with their lover. There’s not that many people who are friends with their lover. In my youth, I’ve dated girls I did not like and when the attraction fades, there’s isn’t much else. It’s only fair I also add that I’ve dated girls I did not like initially but as we continued, I started to enjoy their company more and more.

When you spend time with old couples, people married since forever — you’re sure to hear the “at the end of the day, we are friends” version of their “secret” for staying together that long.

With picking friends, we are looking for our clan, our tribe, people like us. Picking lovers, we are looking for a particular specimen we’ve designed and built up in our heads and all those who don’t fit that specimen or carry excess baggage are tossed back into the world.

Back to the bouncing ball. The ball represents opportunities and possibilities with Love. Imagine each opportunity to bounce a ball as a dating opportunity with a particular person.

I like to think of myself as the person who would bounce the ball and see how it ends or better still catch and continue to bounce. This is how I (would like to) see myself. Recent decisions however expose that I very much reside (temporarily or not) with the other group — those who decide not to bounce the ball because they know how it’d end.

Some people would not rewatch a movie they’ve already seen. I used to be that way. Now, I rewatch good (I learned something) movies to relearn that which I forgot to have learned. So, that’s maybe progress in venturing from the “I know how it’d end therefore see no point in engaging or bouncing the ball” to the land of the living and optimistic where you bounce the ball because the ball can be bounced.

The bouncing ball can be likened to spinning a wheel. You could spin the wheel, enjoy the motion then either spin again or move on or you could not spin the wheel because you already know how it’d spin.

The bouncing ball phenomenon goes beyond Love. It’s a mental model we use frequently, multiple times a day. Even for big decisions. A pregnant lady has to decide to keep the baby (bounce the ball) or choose to not bounce ball. A person approached with a business idea could choose to bounce the ball or not. A writer could choose to bounce the ball or go eat cereal. Another could choose to move to a different city or not bounce the ball. Those who don’t travel choose not to bounce the ball.

Then it brings up the observation that maybe some balls should not be bounced. But rather I would suggest that balls should be bounced but we should be more intelligent to bounce the balls to advance or stimulate our reasoning and not bounce balls to regress our progress. How we distinguish the two, well only God knows.

Talking about God, do you realize all of creation is based off this concept? God could have easily decided — “I know how this bounce would end, why create human?”. Well, then where would we be?

You should be more open to bouncing balls even though you know how it’d end. You never know, you might be surprised. You should focus on “let us be friends” next time you’re looking for a relationship. Keep in mind, let’s be friends is different from let’s just be friends. One is establishing the most important foundation to a relationship while the other is suffocating the possibility of a relationship. Why be only friends with people you don’t think are dateable? That’s a harsh question.

It’s important to remember with dating, you are dating the mind of a person, not their body, life story, challenges or baggages. You are only dating their mind. How their life story has affected their mind, well that’d show whether you make a good fit or not. Apparently Boaz understood this concept. Hosea did too.

We have been programmed to design our ideal lover, to make a list and we might in fact meet people who match our search but that’s not replaceable, equivalent nor comparable to being with someone who speaks our language. Someone we are friends with. Because at the very least, on those stormy days, it’s the friendship that would carry you through. Don’t misunderstand. An amazing body doesn’t hurt, a beautiful face is tantalizing but who’s qualifies as your friend (internal) would be a better match for you than someone who’s qualified based on their external.

You chose a great subject! Love always wins — or so they say. I say, Friendship always wins. When you like a person, you can love them. When you don’t like a person, you don’t care what befalls them, because there’s only a thread between love and hate. And, it’s incredibly tough to hate someone you like.

Think of like — not in the sense of attraction, though you normally would, but for now, think of like in the sense of the individual’s internal operating system. Are they someone you can be friends with? Can invite their mind to a family dinner?

This is uncomfortable for me because I am not ready or equipped to put this to practice. This is especially tough for me because I do not befriend women I’m not intimate with, I never saw the point. I’ve lived my life qualifying lovers a particular way, to abruptly change it is asking a lot but it doesn’t negate the importance of being exposed to wisdom, a better way of doing things. It’s one thing not to know better and something else to know yet continue to not do better. Call it the Benefit of Friendship.

Don’t wait till old age, after multiple divorces to turn over to your friend, singing “It was always you, Can’t believe I could not see it all this time, all this time, It was always you, Now I know why my heart wasn’t satisfied, It was always you, No more guessing who, Looking back now, I know it was always you, always you”.

In a line up of people you could date, would the person you choose for yourself and the person God chooses for you be the same person? Well then, fix your understanding of attraction and bridge the gap so it can be (almost) the same person.

Focus on finding a friend. Retrain your attraction. Internal > External.

With Love,

Famous Steve.