Mind: This Will Help You Understand The Decisions You Make.
Respect your mind.
It is possible we’ll never know of all the efforts our mind gets subjected to in order to make a decision. It’s possible we’ll never reach the level of consciousness that’d enable us greatly appreciate the endless worth of value our precious minds affords us or the great lengths & considerations our minds go through to make us happy.
Again, I say, respect your mind. Without it, you’ll be lost. Very lost. Completely, lost.
Fear: And How It Affects Your Mind’s Decisions.
Which do you fear more: Regret or Action?
It is almost a sermon, that there is no place for fear. Fear is terrible. Fear isn’t useful. Pay it no mind. Especially for men, you are definitely not allowed (by “society” — those without a face and people without a name) to show fright as a man.
Early last week, I was rereading my notes from 2016 when I came across my take aways from one of James Cameron’ speeches in which he said “failure is an option, but fear is not”. While I do not possess even half of his knowledge, I do say the inspiring words should instead be “failure (taking action even though it doesn’t immediately work out) is an option, but lack of bravery is not”.
For neither the lack of bravery, nor bravery itself, is void of fear.
It just sounds better and sounds mainstream to tell people do not fear. As though fear was optional. People would tell you for as long as you have time to listen, that you cannot be afraid. Well, actually you can. Jumping off of a plane is intensely terrifying and I was quite terrified. Yet, I jumped.
Not because I forgot I was afraid or because I took myself to a corner and said “Brains quiet down, I’m not dying today”. No. The fear was there as it should be — in fact it would have been considered a mental malfunction if the fear wasn’t there. My brain was doing what it was designed by God to do — which is to ensure my survival. Yet I jumped from the plane, with all my hopes on the parachute. You do not forget you’re afraid, you move despite being afraid.
The Bible says fear not. And I agree with the Bible. Let me clarify.
Rational fear — something scary, you should fear (like being on a canoe, without a lifejacket, when you don’t know how to swim, because you are one capsize away from actual death, no coming back).
Irrational fear — something that isn’t scary, you should not fear (don’t spend hours worrying, finding things to be scared of, imagining awful scenarios even though you know they are very unlikely). Here, the Bible instructs us: Fear not. “Do not worry about what you’ll eat tomorrow” — because tomorrow is not yet here, duh! But sometimes we need that smack of common sense. Worry about today, because you have to survive today before you can see tomorrow, duh!! Who says the Bible doesn’t have comic relief. Anyways, let’s move on.
The way to balance fear is not with kindness or peace or any other Sunday school vocabulary (as much as I love and enjoy everything church related) — the only way to balance fear is with a greater fear. People retreat from war, not because they are scared of who they are at war with, but because they are scared of the (combined effort of) allies of whom they are at war with more than they’re scared to surrender. Most People are more scared of going to hell than they are scared of going to heaven, so some take actions that would ensure they “qualify” for heaven.
People lost at sea would eat raw fish not because it tastes great but because they fear dying of starvation more than they fear the awful taste of eating uncooked, barely alive fish.
Humans do what they are least afraid of.
I actually used to think bravery was the opposite of fear. It’s not. Bravery is not something you feel, bravery is something you’ve done. Though we might say, “I felt brave”. Actually, what you felt is a redefined fear.
Imagine a coin, on one side of the coin we have the symbols A and B, on the other side of the coin we have B and C.
A — Action
B — Regret
C — Inaction
What stops a guy from standing up and going to chat with the stranger he admires? His fear of action, (possible rejection and embarrassment, getting with the girl and falling in love) is greater than his fear of regret. Simple. Often times, as I’ve found myself in this situation, on your drive home you only have the regret to accompany you. You think of all the things you could have said and how pretty she looked when your eyes met. But since regret is familiar and “cold approaches” isn’t — a lot of us settle for what’s familiar, regret. Here, I was supposed to take action but didn’t. Hence, Regret | Action (would you rather regret not taking action or take action?).
Let’s consider another example: The simple reason you do not hit a cop is because we fear the possible outcome of doing so, more than we fear the embarrassment of how awful the cop might treat the person during a “random” traffic stop. This would be Regret | Inaction (would you rather regret taking action or practice inaction? which do you fear more?).
Growing up, the difference between acting right when your mom told you to and when your teacher told you to, was me and my friends feared the outcome of our mom’s punishment way much more than we did the teachers.
Social pressure follows the same rule. If you fear losing the camaraderie of your group more than you fear the dangers of a cigarette, you will smoke. Point. Blank. Period.
When I was younger, the way I tried (and continue to try) to reduce the effectiveness of social pressure was to change the options. Do I fear losing the camaraderie more than I fear losing my own self respect? No, I fear losing my self respect, more than I fear losing the acceptance of a group. Then naturally, I’d lean towards that which I fear the most. Many times it doesn’t work. At the moment of pressure, you find reasons to change your decision because you fear being an outcast (from this particular group) than you fear “temporarily” losing your self respect.
This Fear and Greater Fear (Action | Regret | Inaction) contrast can be applied to every area of life.
Some people get into relationships because they fear being alone, more than they fear the headaches of being with someone they don’t like. Others fear the scars of being with someone they don’t like more than they fear being single.
Humans do what they are least afraid of.
I met a woman earlier this year who feared being outside more than she feared being indoors. So she stays inside the whole day. Apart from going to check the mail once in awhile, she’d not leave the house.
While watching The Irish Man, I never understood why Robert De Nero’s character shot Al Pacino’s even though they were friends in the movie. Now, a year later writing this, I finally do. Frank was more afraid of what the Mafia would do to him (if he disobeyed) than he was afraid of betraying his friend.
A suicidal person is more scared of seeing tomorrow than they are of dying. Non suicidal person is more scared of dying than they are of seeing tomorrow. We take the lesser evil.
A person with a bad habit fear having a life without the habit more than they fear losing the short lived moment of satisfaction.
Habits then become incredibly tough for most people to break because they cannot find something else that they fear more than the lack of the habit. I used to have a friend who fears the loss of identity (as a smoker, since she was 16, she’d always smoke when she needs to find peace, to get a sense of having control, feel calm) than the fear of lung cancer. When it comes to her smoking, she’d jokingly say: “(Winners don’t quit, quitters don’t win) — I’m not a quitter.”
Understanding which option you fear the most, begins the healing journey to change the options. Find something else you fear much more than your difficulty and weigh it in comparison to your difficulty.
Humans bow to the greater fear and do the lesser feared.
We make the most of opportunities because we fear the regret more than we fear the action.
There is a regret associated with taking actions. There is also a regret associated with not taking actions. Two pairs. One coin. Regret|Action and Regret|No Action.
Fathers are present in the upbringing of their children because they fear the regret of being absent more than they fear the action of being a dad.
This applies to every area of life.
The most effective way to beat a bully is not standing up to the bully. Yes, standing up to the bully helps you build character but it does not make the bully leave you alone, especially if they whoop your behind when you stand up to them. The most effective way is to bring a bigger bully to fight for you. European countries would not mess with South American or North American countries in terms of war, not because they don’t want to but because the United States will back any of the South/North American countries. It’s the Theodore principle. So, if the bigger bully says leave this person alone or I will hurt you. The smaller bully quiets down because they fear getting hurt by the bigger bully more than they fear leaving you alone. They’re not scared to leave you alone. And, humans do what they are least afraid of.
When a person makes terrible decisions, it’s not because they’re stupid or ill advised. No, actually it’s because your mind finds the other option much more terrifying. But, all hope is not lost. The more you know about the inner workings of your mind, the more you can assist your mind make better decisions. When you have two good options, it doesn’t really matter which one you choose because either outcome would be beneficial. When you have two terrible options, it’s only right for your mind to take the lesser evil.
I for one, would rather not win $400million from the lottery compared to my present circumstance so if my mind decides not to play the “Mega lotto”, it’s understandable.
The problem then is when you have a good option and a terrible option but your mind thinks the terrible option less scary than the good option. This is when you pay attention to determine whether or not the good option does in fact come with scary possibilities. Should there not be a scary reason but your mind thinks there is, like the chance of being a dad being more scary than being an absent father — then seek help. Redefine the options.
If your mind thinks being a dad is more scary, then think of walking your daughter down the aisle as the option, is losing that option more scary than being present as a dad? If it’s not, then consider another option. Continue to find options that’d help you make the right decision, in this case, choosing to be present in the life of your children. It is possible, you might not find enough options to make the right decision, in which case, you have to seek professional help. “For if the light (the chosen option) is darkness (a very terrible option), how great is that darkness”?
Humans do what they are least afraid of.
Fear is like a puddle. You never know how deep it goes. Some puddles are just a splash of water, others are like holes in a frozen lake, they can suck in a whole body. We are not meant to live life alone. Neither are we supposed to let our minds go off of default “survival” reasoning. We have to actively pour into our minds, engage people who could teach us more about the possibilities of our minds. If you cannot do it on your own, you should fear not living your best life, more than you fear talking to a caring therapist.
Remember, it’s not about what you say in terms of what you fear or don’t fear but what your actions show. I, personally, have a lot of thinking to do, to reevaluate my life, now that I consciously know this concept. For to live your best life is no small task.
Above all, your mind is doing its very best to give you a life worth living. If the results so far does not match your expectation, take actions to support your mind. For you and you alone would enjoy all the benefits of your triumph. So help your mind alittle. Teach it new ways to make decisions. Heal up old wounds and stay away from those who want to drag you where you’d regret going.
Humans do what they are least afraid of.
Fear failure, more than you fear success. Fear being an absentee father more than you fear missing out on your kid’s life. Fear death more than you fear seeing a new day. Fear regret more than you fear bravery.
With Love,
Famous Steve.
