Life: Learning To Be A Friend.

If you had to prove that you cared, would you prove you cared or would you care you have to prove?

I’ve been emotional lately. Since the start of this new year actually. It’s strange, in the sense that it is unfamiliar. I’m not used to being emotional. I could be in the car driving, or at home eating, thinking about a friend and get flooded with feelings. Eww. It’s unfamiliar. I could still seriously physically hurt a person (a stranger), if they continuously acted stupid, after which I’d probably sit and cry with them as I tell them about the power of their mind. Oh God, something is different.

I think more about people. Not the new people I meet, but those I know and those I used to know — those I care for and those I still want to care for. I think about what they must be going through and whether they have someone to share their story and thoughts with. I wonder if they know they could reach out to me and unburden. I hope they know I do not ask for anything in return — well, except that they remain my friend. I’ve been reaching out more this year. Before now, I just lived in the moment and spoke to people whenever our paths crossed again, and for a lot of people, our paths never crossed again.

Since reaching out to people that I’ve known in the past, I am getting reminded, though it seems like new information because I haven’t had to acknowledge it in recent years. People are not the easiest to get along with. Generally, I avoid anyone who makes me frown even for a second, so in the past (think last year), when someone acted odd, I was gone. Now, for some reason, I find myself still hanging on (imagine jumping from your seat to head for the door, because habit, but your legs are not moving, so you gradually sit back down). I find myself trying to understand why this other human is sour or tough to get along with. I try to listen for what this other person wants from a friend as I keep reminding myself “patience. . there is something good in everyone”. Again, this is only for people I’ve known and care for — maybe someday it’d expand to strangers. Haha, I might start hugging random people downtown, oh heavens.

After writing this poem, the concept scared me into examining my efforts and way of life. I’ve since been on a mission of revisiting the past (people I still care for from my past). While also trying to repurpose the things and people that surround me (appreciating and repurposing people in my present).

Since becoming more vulnerable, I’ve found:

Some friendships do not work for a reason. They were left in the past and did not evolve with you — for a reason. You might have now forgotten the reason, and if you go back — since people rarely change — you’d be reminded quickly why you and whomever no longer kept in touch.

Some friendships get lost in time. I’ve also learned sometimes life takes us on separate paths where we meet new friends and gradually lose touch with old friends and a simple “Hello” years later could reunite good friends together.

Some people want a new role in your life. They want to feel closer to you.

Some friends should have been in therapy the whole time. They need therapy. Now!

Some people are tough to be friends with. Some people you have to almost fight with to allow you care for them.

Some friends have since gone on to experience terrible things with other humans and are now on edge and not so trusting and you’re left having to prove yourself as though they forgot “you’re a good person.”

The easy thing would be to revert to my previous way of life, and simply move on. But all these emotions make me try to see beyond the shell people put up. Why? I do not know. The sensible thing to do is save yourself, leave those who do not want to become better where they are, wish them well and carry on. But for some reason, I’m still hanging around until they push me away so much so I no longer want to try again. God help me.

Before I venture out to another country to meet people, to assist people, to go on an adventure, I’m working to make sure I am taking advantage of where I am. That I am meeting people here, assisting people here and going on adventures here. I’d rather not waste time on an unnecessary journey. So when I do get on a journey, I can enjoy it wholly, knowing I’m supposed to be on that journey since my previous location could not afford me what I am looking for which I know to be so, after spending time looking for it where I was.

I do not know how long this feeling of empathy would last. I seem to throw people off guard when I inquire about how they’re doing and what they’re passing through while I also offer unsolicited encouragement and support. Surprisingly I do not offer advices, just a listening ear. At this moment, I feel people (those we really care for) could use a listening ear, even though they fight the human need to share their burden. It’s almost as though I’m on a mission to take away the excuse of “I had nobody to talk to” from those I care for. The excuse of “nobody in the world cares”, “nobody loves them”, “nobody cares if they live or disappear”. I’m over here with a banner jumping up and down shouting “I care!”.

Oh, how I wonder what our world would look like should therapists pay their patients for appointments, as opposed to patients paying therapists to listen.

A lot of people are trying to survive on their own, a lot of people are on edge, stuck in a regressing cycle, bitter, hardening, feeling unloved, alone and unseen. And, my emotions go out to them. At this point, I won’t be surprised if I woke up one morning and bought a shirt that reads “Free Hugs”.

Not too long ago, I walked into a gas station bathroom, as I left the stall to go wash hands, I noticed there was a guy cleaning the other stalls. So I washed hands, walked to his cart, grabbed cleaning supplies and went to the stall I used and started cleaning. He turned around and looked at me like “What’s wrong with you dude?” and I looked at him like “Hey man, if not for God, this might be my full time gig”. As I smiled and asked “How are you doing?” He might never forget that encounter, but it was just a normal thing for me to do.

Life is hard. And everyone is dealing with the squeeze of life one way or another, but we do not have to feel alone in the midst of the squeeze. Do I care about other people’s problems? No I do not. While I care for the person, I do not generally care for their problems. What I do care about though is that they have someone to rant to and strategize with (not just rant). For while I most likely will not have a useful suggestion to help them with, sometimes we find our own solutions from opening up to someone else and if my friend is missing someone to open up to, well, I’m applying for that position.

I do not know where this switch in thinking came from, what’s triggering the flooding of emotions and care — maybe turning a new age? maybe keeping those close to me closer, building relationships, not losing anyone “in my tribe” to loneliness, maybe not wanting people I care for to go through what I’ve gone through? or maybe it’s having too much time on my hands. I don’t know why I’m on this crusade and truthfully it is a lot of work to convince a person to allow you to help them but for now, this is where I’m at. Open arms, smile on my face, itchy ears, with a huge heart of love. God help me.

With Love,

Famous Steve.