Choice: 2020 In The Rearview. Year of Personal Growth.

I haven’t written one of these since 2017. Here goes:

I started the year screaming Happy New Year! at the Nathan Phillips Square in Toronto with about 40,000 people. Shivering, wondering what it would have been like if we didn’t leave the warmth of Honolulu.

Like every other year, I had a plan for 2020. Some of which were: Live your best life. Grow in self and business. Travel — possibly move to a different country. But as always life also had its own plans for me and the rest of the world.

Three weeks into January, I got on the plane again, this time to Tampa, met some fine people. Had good conversations and moments. So good in fact that in February I flew back to Tampa for some more good moments.

March, birthday. At this point, there’s the Black Swan event circling the news that I half way did not believe but the Border control of so many countries believed it and began shutting down their borders. So I chose to stay put, no travels.

I read a lot this year. The most I’ve read in one year. The most impactful book would have to be The Wisdom of Crowds, because I’ve always prided myself on “going against the grain”, “going against the crowd.” But luckily, I found out I could be smarter. The crowd apparently isn’t quite foolish like I’d been led to believe they were. I used to imagine a group of people mindlessly falling off a cliff, just following like zombies — which made me vow to be “awake”, different from the crowd, thinking for myself. However, there’s some comfort in the crowd, you can benefit from the wisdom of crowds. If you only go against the grain, you — will — die. Plain, simple. Plus, if you allow those in front of you to go first, you’d have extra time to formulate a plan on how to survive. You don’t have to be sucked into the crowd to benefit from the accumulated wisdom of others.

I watched a lot of documentaries too. Gathering the most amount of useful knowledge that were relevant to my present life. Most impactful would be Losers. Because at this point in the year I was fascinated with the lives of those who came second. While the world only recognized and admires the first runner, I wanted to know what it was like for those who gave their all, were so close to this goal they’ve had since a child, only to fall short from reaching what the world would recognize as “victory”. To give your all just like this other person, same intensity of preparation and sacrifice only for “life” to choose them and not you? How do you process that?

Around May, I could verbally express a glitch I’d found in my own mind but the person I was expressing it to had no expertise or prior knowledge to share with me. So they gave me what they could, which was to listen to me rant. A few weeks later I stumbled on a book Sway which miraculously is about what I was talking about. Confirming the glitch does exist.

This year, I got to experience that which I’ve wanted to experience for the past five years. Which was to have my time to do whatever I wanted to do. You see, in the last three years it became painfully concerning to me that I did not own my time, the little things were such big deals. For example, I wanted to sleep when I was sleepy, instead of drink coffee then drag myself to another meeting. It wasn’t that I despised meetings though I don’t really care for coffee but it was more so because I wanted a portion of my time for work, a portion for play, and a portion for sleep. But, at the time life was only work, sleep, work. And it wasn’t working for me.

If I wanted to pee, I want to be able to just go pee, instead of hold it till I could finally go. If I wanted to eat, I want to go eat, instead of continue to yawn while I wait till I got off work to go find food. I wanted to be able to do the things my body required at the time it’s required. Plus I thought it silly to spend an hour in traffic every morning, another hour in traffic every evening five days a week, every week. I also wanted to spend time with my daughter when it was time to spend time with her. Instead of haul her off to some babysitter because “I have to go to work” at a time I’m supposed to play an activity with her, time I should be teaching her, inspiring her mind. For some reason these were such big deals to me — gladly I got to experience that this year. And I will tell you, taking naps’ awesome!

I lived this year (and most of last year really) semi retired. My day was mine to do whatever I wanted. Some days I was productive, barely. Most days I just lounged in the moment.

I danced a lot this year, by myself. I didn’t smile as much (being warm, friendly and welcoming — I should work on that next year) but I laughed a lot (good conversations).

I played a lot of soccer this year. I hiked a bit till I got scarred from one of the hikes and cooled it off. I went camping for the first time. Tried Rucking. I went mountain biking — almost died, wrist was badly banged, couldn’t bend. Knee bleeding, thigh bruised, arm scarred, I gave that up.

By August, I found out a friend I met in Spain got infected and was sick. At this point, I started taking the news fairly seriously.

Towards November, I noticed I mostly stayed indoors — it wasn’t intentional and some might think it smart (right now my Dad definitely would rather I do not leave the house) but I found myself more inclined to stay inside than go outside which is opposite of my personality. I want to be outside, not inside. And, I did not know what was going on, why the “laziness”. So I started forcing myself to go spend atleast two hours outside the house.

Now, December and like every other year, I’m fine tuning and clarifying plans for the New Year. 2021 is a year of hustle I know that much. I have to be super charged and ready to accurately exercise pre determined plans.

Let me share something personal with you:

On one of my readings this year I learned your life is either like a Bus or a Train (Jordan Peterson). All this time I thought my life a Bus. I thought I was free to go as I pleased, or at least I wanted to be free to go as I pleased. More importantly, to go where and when I pleased.

About six years ago, I was in a study group from Church and on one of those meeting days with the fellas we talked about free will. I remember a side talk of “we have free will, but we are not free.” In the sense that God gave us choice, but can override our choice. So, we are limitedly free. Fast forward to present time, six years later. I still thought myself as free to do as I wanted (with the prayer that what I wanted was what God wanted for me, haha). And, what I wanted was to move on to a different country, possibly Spain. In good faith, I told friends about the plan and would talk about it every chance I got. I have time (being semi retired), I no longer punch clocks (thank Jesus), I could arrange my ducks in a row to free me to go — or so I thought.

Wait, let’s back track. I missed a detail in September (ah, the best part). I received a phone call that said paraphrasing “Hey, I’d give you $50,000. You can go do all you’ve always wanted…” which means, I have time, plus I have access (if I wanted to) to cash to go do what I wanted which was move overseas so I can speak another language (preferably Spanish but open to French or Portuguese) and learn a different way of life. BUT, when I returned the call — I could only utter the words “No, thank you. I don’t have any present need for that kind of money.”

The reason I share that phone conversation with you is to say this: sometimes what we say we want is just that — things we say. And, we like having something to say. What we would actually take actions for, might be quite different from what we say and we think we want.

Life called my bluff, gave me opportunities to go do what I thought and always said I wanted, but when the time came to make a move, I was trigger shy. Giving up life as I knew it to move overseas was more scary than staying, so I stayed.

Do you know the story of Jonah? I’m Jonah, nice to meet you.

For 2021, I would have to come out of retirement to go punch a clock (crying emoji, oh no!). I don’t know what that adjustment would be like, but my higher self is counting on my future self to suck it up and cooperate. Hopefully I don’t self destruct by doing something to make me quit or get fired. I do know going from less than 10hours of “work” a week to 60+ hours a week of serious weeerk is nerve racking.

My life is a train not a bus. I bet Jonah also thought his life was a bus. Ha! You see a train cannot just go where it wants to go (unlike a bus), a train is limited to only where there are tracks for it to go. In a similar sense, I cannot (apparently) freely go where I think I want to go. A train going off track is perhaps the worst thing that could happen to the train. My steps are ordered by the Lord. I should stop whining about my location. I have a tall task to still accomplish, a lot of people to help. While I might not have to suffer to survive, I still have to strive for those whose “breakthrough” is tied to me. If I go lounging, enjoying my life, who’s going to help them? God did not bring me this far just for my enjoyment. I have an assignment and no matter how I try to run from it, the road would turn to a roundabout bringing me back where I have to be.

Initially my thinking was: This is my plan and I’m bringing God with me.
Then after writing this I thought, it should be: This is God’s path and I’m going along with Him.
Now, I understand it actually is: This is my plan and if it is God’s path, I’ll go along (with Him). If it’s only my plan and not God’s will, I’ll change my stance, find His plan then go along His path.

Just after writing this, I found this: “Caravans turn aside from their routes; they go off into the wasteland and perish.” Job 6:18. You see, a train cannot just go where it wants to go (unlike a bus/caravan) and I should be grateful for the limited freewill.

Here we are in December, I’ve come to the sad realization that I am not my own. I’ve written so many times about wanting to be free while that must have meant free from human expectations and work schedules and corporal expectations. I am not free from the destiny God has for me and neither do I want to be free from God. I do not want my own path, I only want the path He has for me. I just happen to think lounging for the next couple of years or even forever isn’t such a terrible idea. Who wants to grow old in a cubicle when I could be playing soccer in Bogota or eating my breakfast at the beach in Cahuita. But I have to “prosper” some more so I can be a blessing to others.

So, 2021 I’m picking up my assignment and taking up my race. My determination to do what’s required of me does not override my being scared the adjustment might be too much of a shock. To be confined to the four walls of some establishment, stuck to a schedule. No longer able to just go drive around the city whenever I wanted. Me giving up that luxury and these (new) responsibilities are meant to shape me into a great man (hopefully), responsibilities I would have ran away from (if it were solely up to me) — by going to chillax, wandering the streets of Madrid with my Spanglish, playing volleyball, partying and taking weekend trips with friends (that sounds awesome to me) — I have to pick up my responsibilities, postpone Madrid and hope living overseas is on my (future) train track some day. For “what is delayed is not denied” (Dawn Staley).

In the past I must have written our lives are not only for us. Now I’m forced to acknowledge my life is not only for me. The weight of greatness demands you do for others too. So, I go into 2021 fully rested, fully charged, sniper mode (hopefully) to pick up where I left off in 2018. Refine, advance and distribute. I think I still know how to work hard, I hope I do, more importantly I hope I can bring myself to want to work hard for someone else’s company.

2020 was good to me. While I didn’t travel (booooo), I am alive and healthy. Thank God.

Our years are predetermined, predestined, and while we have free will to run away or run around, writing this helps me now understand that God also has free will to keep a shark willingly waiting to swallow us and take us to where we were supposed to be, with or without our wanting to be redirected.

2021 has goodies for me, seems it would require some early sacrifices but I’m up to the challenge, I have to be. More growth, more solidification of plans, more building on foundations laid over the years, more consistent intentional efforts for that which we seek. More helping of others. Less complaining about “what I think I want” and more recognition that God is in this. It’s team work, not only me work. And, sometimes (preferably all the time) your team (God) has to have His way, even at your disapproval.

2020 was good to me, I ended the year much more wiser (I think) than when I started the year. Prior years I didn’t think it possible that I could live beyond three months without traveling and still be a normal, happy, functioning human. More importantly I didn’t want to go more than three months without flying off somewhere but this year showed me that I am where I am to be and life is enjoyable where I make it enjoyable. And also this year more loudly showed me that having the option to travel almost wherever you want to, absolutely rocks!!! Because now I can’t, no matter how much I wanted to. This ending year gave me the option to live how I thought my life should be lived. It was like a holiday that lasted 365 days. And, I enjoyed it. Up till the very end. And, I thank God for the privilege.

I wish you the best in the New Year. Remember, no one regretted thinking too big. But history books are littered with people who did not dream big enough. People whose big dreams were not big enough. For “imagination is the limit” (E Musk). So, in the New Year, I urge you — Dream Big, then Dream Bigger. You can do great things. You will do great things.

God Bless You. God is with you.

Hi, I am Jonah and I accept my mission.

With Love,

Famous Steve.